white radical nerd lady in my 30s
transplanted to the East Coast US
happily living in sin with my co-conspirator Mr. X
my Dragon Age sideblog
Other tags of interest - Places I Wish I Was Right Now, GPOY, owls, you are cordially invited to my pants, this has been a post, OH MY GOD, Favorite of all the things, Maru is the best cat in the whole world
About ten minutes ago I was on the bus and this couple starts arguing right across from me.
They’re about two feet away and right in my face, so it was a little hard to ignore. The subject of the argument was completely nebulous to me but I thought it was clear that this was a couple about to break up. They were past the point of yelling or any kind of passionate interaction and were around the “quiet contempt” phase.
The woman was trying to tell him something, and although she was angry she was addressing him in a totally quiet and reasonable voice. Within the five minutes I could hear him I heard the man do all of the following:
It was so incredibly insulting I think my jaw actually dropped. I watched him walk away and when I looked back at the woman she was looking at me and our eyes met.
I said, “That guy’s a real asshole.”
She looked back at me levelly and said, “he’s my husband, though.”
And there you have it: the number 1 reason I’m never getting married.
Cue a dozen people telling me their husband’s not like that etc etc etc.
But let’s face it: marriage encourages men to act this way. It treats two people as a legal entity of one in which the husband is the head. Even if those two people don’t agree to it personally, it’s what happens. You get called Mrs. Hislastname even if you DIDN’T take his last name. Mail comes addressed to Mr&Mrs Hisname. Important phone callers ask for the man (and the school always asks for the woman). All your finances & taxes are wrapped up into one package that is expected to be handled by the man.
It’s a slow conditioning that tells the husband to view the wife as a legal appendage that should really be taking better care of his house. Is it any wonder that so many of them eventually dismiss and belittle their wives in this way, as though any thoughts and concerns they might have are so much less than relevant they might as well be a fly buzzing in his ear?
I live with a man. I love him. We enjoy each other. But get married? Nooooooo. No. Nonono. Anybody who wants to get married should be able to, of any gender combination, but as an institution marriage is pretty fucked up.
Throughout my professional life I’ve seen men do the same pathetic maneuver in business meetings with women (which means hundreds of examples over two decades), which is to interrupt and disagree with or even summarily dismiss a woman’s ideas (on any given subject, doesn’t even matter, could be strategic innovation or it could be how to mow the lawn), then five minutes later rephrase those same ideas just slightly differently and receive praise for coming up with good stuff. Makes me wanna throw chairs through those glass walls. Another reason I can’t really go back to corporate life.
This is why whenever possible I gravitate to organizations and departments that are run by women. This doesn’t guarantee that things will be different, but it does help.
“Women don’t know anything about comics because women don’t read comics!”
“Women don’t appreciate mainstream/superhero comics, they only read manga and indie books!”
“Misogyny and racism, etc, are just part of the medium/culture of comics, stop complaining about it!”
“The reason women, PoC, etc are so poorly represented in comics is because they don’t make any significant contributions to the medium!”
“Comics aren’t a political medium.”
“Superhero comics are the only kinds of comics that make money/that anyone cares about.”
oh my god
I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite post on the internet.