2011 is bursting with memorable lines from members of the Grand Old Party. Here are my 10 favorite, in no particular order:
- “Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941: We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action.” - Michael Krull, Newt Gingrich’s campaign director, on the presidential hopeful failing to qualify for the VA ballot. (“Also, that time Tiffany’s didn’t have Callista’s favorite earrings in stock was exactly like Kristallnacht.” - Ilya.)
- “We would hope that some consideration be given to repaying the United States some of the megadollars we have spent here in the last eight years.” - Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA), suggesting that Iraq should repay the U.S. for the Iraq war. You remember that war, right? The one we started? The one that killed tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians? Yep, that one.
- “You’ll get more out of me if you treat me with respect.” - Leon Cooperman, billionaire and former CEO of Goldman Sachs’s money-management unit, on being the 1%. The best #whitepeopleproblems of the year.
- “There’s never been a civilization, ever in history, that has embraced homosexuality and turned away from traditional fidelity and traditional marriage, traditional child rearing, and has survived.” - Pat Robertson, telling us that God will destroy us all for allowing same-sex love to happen.
- “Allowing Muslims to immigrate into the United States, a Christian nation by origin, history and tradition, without insisting that they drop their allegiance to Allah, Muhammad, the Qur’an, and sharia law, is to commit cultural suicide. We believe in freedom of religion for Muslims like we do for everybody else. But if they insist on clinging to their religion, they will need to exercise their freedom of religion in a Muslim country which shares their values: death for those who leave Islam, the beating of wives by their husbands, and the labeling of Jews as apes and pigs.” - Bryan Fischer, spokesman for the American Family Association, pretending to cling to our Constitution while telling all Muslims to stay the hell out of this country. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to save up enough money to buy an island where I can send Bryan Fischer and his xenophobic ilk for eternity.
- “Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America. […] How many more American citizens are going to have to die?” Rick Perry, showing us that you too can try to lead the United States while having absolutely no idea that Juarez is located in Mexico, not Texas. I agree that Perry’s “oops” blunder was hilarious, but I’d argue this gaffe is much, much worse.
- “It’s like a derivative of actual pepper. It’s a food product, essentially.” - Megyn Kelly, Fox News anchor, during a discussion with Bill O’Reilly on the infamous UC Davis cop pepper-spraying students. Hey, internet, where are we on getting Kelly to drink pepper spray? Related: the Megyn Kelly “Essentially” meme.
- “All the Occupy movement starts with the premise that we all owe them everything. That is a pretty good symptom of how much the left has collapsed as a moral system in this country, and why you need to reassert something as simple as saying to them, ‘Go get a job, right after you take a bath.’” - Newt Gingrich, with one of the most gratuitous, shallow attempts to discredit the Occupy movement. Surely Gingrich would go to the ends of the earth to pretend that people like my mother, a small-business owner with a Ph.D, would never get anywhere near the movement. Luckily for us, we know he’s far from correct.
- “[Planned Parenthood is] the LensCrafters of big abortion.” - Rep. Michele Bachmann. I know, I know - picking the wackiest Bachmann quote of the year is a tough job. In the end, I went with the most hilarious analogy I’ve heard all year. (Related: Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex | The Onion)
- “If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that’s well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” - Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ). As Jon Huntsman so eloquently put regarding another matter: LOL.
“The American people believe English should be the official language of the government. … We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto.” - Newt Gingrich. Okay, fine, this quote is from 2007, but I needed an excuse to get in one more Newt quote since all the good ones are pre-2011.
*Sorry, folks, no Herman Cain. I maintain my conviction that he was trolling the whole time.